I wasn’t expecting this. Not at all.
After months of wondering what the heck is happening to my body after quitting birth control (for those who haven’t been following along, Aunt Flo took a very long vacation), my doctor diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome in June. It sucked. I was worried that this meant Brett and I would never have kids of our own naturally.
After wallowing for a bit (or more like full-blow meltdowns), I began to take the steps my doctor recommended to get my body back into motion. I was already taking progesterone to kickstart Aunt Flo, and my doctor prescribed me Metformin to help me ovulate. For a few weeks, I felt awful. A few hours after taking the medicine, I would get terrible stomach cramps to the point I would curl up on the couch and try not to cry. But after a while, the side effects slowly eased away. I can do this, I thought, it’s going to work.
Yet, the kickstarter drug didn’t seem to be working. Aunt Flo was still on hiatus. I had taken it before, and I had no issues. I waited and waited, but nothing happened. I didn’t want to take another pregnancy test and see a negative sign. It’s just too disappointing. But I wanted to have all the information I could gather on my own before calling my doctor to see what I needed to do next. I asked Brett to pick up the cheapest prego test he could find. Side note: I love how this guy has no shame. He will happily pick up tampons, pregnancy tests, whatever I ask for without even blinking an eye. I love him!
When I got home from work, I took the test and waited. After a minute or two, I glanced over and saw something I wasn’t expecting to see, a plus sign. My hands shook as I stared at the test and showed it to Brett. His face lit up. This can’t be right, I thought to myself. We ran to the store and bought more tests. With four positive tests laid out in front of us, we called our parents. Could this actually be happening already? I was convinced it would take months or even longer to see that happy symbol on a test.
I wanted to be happy. More than anything, I wanted to jump for joy and just be relieved, but it seemed too good to be true. I felt fine; normal even. No morning sickness, no fatigue, no bloating. The only telltale sign I had was my boobs were incredibly sore. (TMI, I know.)
The bloodwork confirmed it, but I still felt anxiety. This could end in the blink of an eye. My progesterone levels were low, and they immediately began me on a prescription to boost those levels. These are all bad signs, I told Brett. He always consoled me, telling me that the medicine will help, it’s in God’s hands and that I’m just lucky I don’t have any symptoms or maybe it’s genetic (my grandma and my sister experienced few to no pregnancy symptoms in their first trimester). Your body knows what to do, he would remind me on a daily basis. But each day, I would wake up hoping to feel a little queasiness or fatigue. But it never came. I did begin to experience other subtle symptoms, such as thirst and cravings, but I continued to have that gnawing fear that this would end before it even really started.
It wasn’t until after I heard a healthy heartbeat at 6 weeks and again at 10 weeks that I finally let myself feel excited and began to relax a little. I had this vision in my mind that we would be parents someday, but that it was going to take longer and be more of a process for us than it is for others. As much as I hated that thought, I had started to accept it. But thankfully, as always, God laughed when I began making plans, and threw us a wonderful curveball.
I still continue to agonize about whether or not Baby B is doing OK or if I’m taking every precaution necessary to make sure he or she will be healthy. Yet it’s my husband’s constant reminder that keeps me looking forward to all the good that has happened and, God willing, will continue to happen. “Everything is going to be fine. Your body knows what to do.” And he is right. This miracle has continued to develop and grow, and I have to have faith in God, myself and our little one that everything will be just fine.