I had a moment the other day.
OK. It was more like an afternoon pity party. Things haven’t been moving along the way I thought they would, and I have been having random bouts of stomach cramps. (Thanks, new medicine. You are awesome. Not.) I was getting anxious and annoyed. I was just ready to have something go the way I wanted or at least see a little bit of progress. Even a smidgen of a step forward. But, no. I felt stuck. Again. And it is a crappy feeling.
Brett was home for lunch, and he knew something was wrong. He tried asking me about it, but I just got even more upset. I wasn’t mad at him, but I just couldn’t put into words what was going on in my mind without sobbing. So I held it in. Until I got to work. Then I began firing off text messages to my husband, spewing words filled with anger, sadness and hopelessness. Each response I received from him was sweet and loving. After about an hour of fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and bawl, I began to feel better. I got caught up in my work and began looking forward to the evening we had planned (a long walk with our dogs, dinner and a movie). Going home to my husband, crying a little and cuddling also made me feel a million times better.
I didn’t have some miraculous realization. I’m still fighting my bitter, angry and impatient feelings, but I constantly remind myself that we are moving forward. I’m not proud of my actions, yet I think being mad and frustrated at this stage is pretty normal. This is definitely not what I would have chosen for myself, but I have no control over it. I’m thankful to have an amazing support system who are there for me at my very worst moments.
I believe there is a reason for everything. I know my dreams of having children will come true one day, but it’s going to take us a little bit longer than others and is a different path than we thought we would take.
I’m going to quote a very cliche poem — “The Road Not Taken” By Robert Frost — but it is a cliche for a reason (because it is good!) and I feel it fits my situation at the moment: